Detroit — “I left the Church, because when I needed it the most, it wasn’t there for me.”

Those words have been uttered all too often by non-practicing Catholics who feel left out, shunned or largely ignored by the Church, the very Church that’s called to be a doorway to Jesus.

In his pastoral letter, Unleash the Gospel, Archbishop Allen H. Vigneron addressed the need for the Archdiocese of Detroit to assess how it reaches out to families and individuals in need of pastoral care.

Seeking to better minister to those struggling through difficult circumstances, Archbishop Vigneron has tasked the archdiocesan Offices of Family Life, Evangelization, Catechesis and Christian Worship to develop ways to better minister to people going through “difficult circumstances.”

Dave Grobbel, Archdiocese of Detroit Office of Family Life coordinator, said the Church and its parishes have plenty of resources to reach out to those in need of counseling and support, but many times suffers an image problem of being a cold, institutional Church.

“Parishes are and should be the public community for married couples and families, but when they get into these difficult circumstances, we’re not a social services agency, but we should be a place to go,” Grobbel said. “A lot of the times, parishes might not know when people are in trouble.”

Part of the problem, Grobbel says, is a lack of information and awareness of what parishes can offer to parishioners in need.

“We know it’s the parishes out there which are going to reach out to people on the peripheries,” Grobbel said. “It’s our job in this office to train the trainers for ministries on the parish, vicariate level. To give parishes the resources they need and be there to support parishioners as much as possible.”

The Office of Family Life has on its webpage links to various ministries, from miscarriage and infertility support to Courage ministry for men and women dealing with same-sex attraction.

On Oct. 21, for example, the Office of Marriage, Family and Pro-Life will sponsor “The First Years and Beyond,” a Sweetest Day dinner date night for young married couples, at 6:30 p.m. at St. Mary Parish in Royal Oak.

“Young married couples are at the greatest risk of divorce within 10 years of being married,” Grobbel said. “They’re busy starting up careers, raising children, and many times they are so caught up they don’t have time to branch out to the parish or other married couples. So if they can’t come to you, you have to go out to them.”

Grobbel said his office is working with pastors across the archdiocese to look at what’s being done with marriage prep. Besides the basics such as discussing financial planning and living habits, Grobbel said any successful marriage needs to be built on a Christ-centered relationship.

“Couples coming into marriage prep may just be there to ‘check the box,’ but we need to focus on the sacramental piece: getting Christ, the third person in the relationship,” Grobbel said. “We need Christ and his grace to deal with the stressors, the pace, and the challenges that come with married life. If they have Christ, everything else falls in line.”

Dealing with pornography

The Church also recognizes there may be bumps along the road, and must be there to help when those trials occur. For example, on Saturday, Sept. 23, Sacred Heart Major Seminary in Detroit is hosting “Whispered in the Dark,” a seminar for women in relationships with men addicted to pornography.

The event “brings awareness about the number of women married or in a serious relationship with men who have a pornography addiction, and there is a great need for pastoral outreach,” said Msgr. Daniel Trapp, pastor of St. Augustine and St. Monica Parish in Detroit, and a speaker at the seminar.

“It’s a big problem, a form of being unfaithful; even those involved with it don’t see how damaging pornography is in a relationship,” Msgr. Trapp said. “But it’s a problem for many couples, a contributor to many divorces these days. We’re hoping by talking about it, we can use it to help heal and deal with the situation.”

Msgr. Trapp said the speakers will discuss the dangers of porn addiction to marriages and the struggles many face in admitting they have a problem.

“For many people, there is a lot of shame with porn, the way it was for alcohol 100 years ago,” Msgr. Trapp said. “Because of Alcoholic Anonymous and the Church working with people with addictions, families are experiencing healing. As we become more aware of porn addiction, how destructive it is, we need to be there to help people.”

Msgr. Trapp admits many men — and women — may feel uncomfortable being public, or even confessing privately to their priest, about porn addiction. But that’s all the more reason for the Church to host seminars such as “Whispered in the Dark,” Msgr. Trapp said.

“What the Church offers is hope,” Msgr. Trapp said. “Hope based on a relationship with Jesus, and hope people can find in healing. People can come out of experiences they find shameful. Jesus can do that, and other people in the Church are there to guide them to that hope.”’

Hope and healing

It could be argued that guiding people to hope is the primary function of the Church, but for many, such hope can be difficult to find.

Terry Linder, organizer of the divorced Catholics support group at St. Regis Parish in Bloomfield Hills, said he felt ostracized from the Church after his divorce five years ago.

The pain of going to Mass alone after going to Mass with his family, and running across parishioners who hadn’t fully recovered from their own divorces — some of whom have been divorced for 40 years — left him feeling unsettled.

“Then Deacon Francis (King) asked if I’d like to be the one to start this group,” Linder said. “I said sure, I’ll make a one-year commitment. Deacon said, ‘Make it three years.’”

The divorced Catholics support group has been around for two years at St. Regis. In the first year, the group started with education sessions about marriage, divorce and annulments.

“We put information in the bulletin, giving it to other parishes and announcing to the 40 parishes in the South Oakland Vicariate,” Linder said. “We had this event at the chapel on Aug. 20 with people asking for forgiveness, with Deacon Francis challenging us to bring a story about someone we can’t forgive.”

Since the group formed, Linder reports parishioners have experienced healing, a sense of forgiveness and the weight of years of pent-up bitterness and angst erased.

“Divorce is loss; it’s like a death, and needs to be addressed as such,” Linder said. “Pastors need to know when their parishioners are going through a divorce, and the parish needs to be proactive in saying they have resources.”

Linder would like to see the parish offer more information about the various divorce recovery groups across the archdiocese, saying “radical hospitality” is what’s needed to reach out to people going through challenging times.

“Once people realize they aren’t going through it alone, that’s hugely comforting,” Linder said. “When people realize they aren’t the only ones to have gone through whatever they’re going through, they see they can be forgiven.

“People are shy, but we’re called to seek out the timid, the ones in need.”