Recently, I was discussing the corporal and spiritual works of mercy with my fifth-grade students. As we talked about “bearing wrongs patiently” and “forgiving offenses,” I gave my students an example I knew would be relevant to their lives: someone does something that upsets you, and you walk away instead of getting into a fight. Almost immediately, one student voiced what I am sure many others were thinking. After a bit of a groan, he stated aloud, “Oh, that’s so hard!” How true!

But why is it so hard for us to “turn the other cheek” and “love our enemies”? Why is it still so hard to forgive even when we know how much we ourselves have been forgiven by God? To begin with, we often mistake forgiveness for the feeling of healing we need to experience after having been wronged. But forgiveness is rooted in the will, not simply the emotions. Therefore, I can will to forgive someone while still feeling hurt by the wrong done to me. What, then, does it mean to will forgiveness of my neighbor?

In order to will to forgive another, I have to will good for the person who has wronged me. This is not a mere sentimental desire for someone to get what he wants, nor a desire for him to experience the conversion I think best for him. In addition to praying for the one who has wronged us, it is also necessary — if possible — to seek actually to do good to that person.

What it truly means to forgive another by willing their good was once brought home to me by one of the very people I was personally struggling to forgive. I witnessed this person not only doing good herself for the person who had wronged her, but even leading others in an expression of gratitude for him. It was quite humbling to realize the depth of forgiveness she had extended that I had yet to reach!

My fifth-grader hit the nail on the head when he expressed the difficulty of responding with patience and forgiveness when we are wronged. But, as Christians, we are called to follow Christ all the way to the cross, from which He prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” In fact, forgiveness and all other acts of true Christian love require self-sacrifice. Calvary, though, is always followed by the Resurrection; forgiveness of another will ultimately always free us and give us the joy and the peace that “surpass all understanding.”

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Sr. Mary Martha Becnel is a member of the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist, based in Ann Arbor.