Support system, keeping memories alive can ease pain of miscarriage, couple says

Troy — Shortly after the first birthday of their son, Gretchen Mena and her husband, Javier, felt ready to welcome another child.

“Though we were using natural family planning, we struggled to conceive and after eight months, we achieved a pregnancy,” said Mena, who with her husband and three children attends St. Anastasia Parish in Troy.

At just over seven weeks, Mena was devastated when she experienced a miscarriage: “The miscarriage happened just before Thanksgiving and I remember sitting at the table on Thanksgiving Day and trying to think what to say I was thankful for, as is our family’s tradition.”

The couple struggled to conceive again, and Mena began taking a physician-recommended fertility drug. After four cycles without success, they conceived after discontinuing the drug; they learned at Mena’s eight-week appointment, however, that the baby had died.

“The emotional pain was acute and was much worse than the physical pain,” Mena remembers. “It was unfair and cruel. And we wanted to add to our family so badly. We wanted our son to have a sibling.”

They conceived again not long after, and Mena received an early six-week ultrasound.

“The baby flashed up on the screen,” she said. “We could see its heart fluttering away. I was put on progesterone supplements to support the pregnancy.”

But upon returning two weeks later, “the screen was still. The baby had died just a few days prior,” said Mena. “It was our third miscarriage.”

Mena and her husband realized they now had three children they would never cradle in their arms, and struggled with the idea that they might experience such pain again. So they prayed.

To help heal and to memorialize their lost children, they named them: José, María and Sophie. They told their son, Javier Jr., about his brother and sisters, and mark their due dates on the calendar yearly to remember them.

“We are extra gentle with each other each year as the anniversaries of our losses approach,” said Mena, who also plans to attend the Archdiocese of Detroit’s annual Pregnancy and Infant Loss Mass on Oct. 26 at the Cathedral of the Most Blessed Sacrament.

The couple conceived after their third miscarriage, and their daughter, Alice, was born in August 2012.

With the help of natural procreative (or “NaPro”) technology — developed by Dr. Thomas W. Hilgers, founder of the Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction in Nebraska — the Menas welcomed another daughter, Elizabeth, in February 2014.

Mena said a mere generation ago, people lived much more privately, and there was a stigma attached to miscarriage. Mena said she believes that is changing today, thanks to women who are “telling their stories, by supporting each other, by keeping the memory of their child alive,” often on modern media such as Facebook and blogs.

“For better or for worse, I think that technology is contributing to our awareness about miscarriage, too,” she said, such as fertility tracking devices to identify the best time to conceive and ultra-sensitive pregnancy tests to detect pregnancy as soon as possible.

Mena added that too many people forget the father’s experience: “The woman is the one experiencing the physical aspects of the miscarriage, but both the father and mother are experiencing a mental, emotional and spiritual trauma,” she said.

Often, care packages for the couple might include items for the father, such as a handkerchief, a small journal or a small stone with the baby’s due date written on it. But, “each man will grieve in a different way.”

Likewise, “each woman is going to want to be supported in a different way,” Mena said.

Saying, “’I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t know what to say or do that will help bring you comfort, and I am afraid of saying or doing something wrong, but I want to be here for you. How can I do that?” is a big step in the right direction,’” she said, adding that meals, notes or phone calls are also options, depending on the individual.

“I don’t know why the Lord sent us three children that would not live with us here,” Mena said. She is certain, however, that whatever the purpose, her children accomplished what God asked of them.

“Though their lives were short and lived entirely within my womb, they were no less meaningful than any other,” she said.

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Pregnancy & Infant Loss Mass Oct. 26

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Come join fellow Catholics in prayer to support those desiring a baby and remembering those who have been lost. A blessing will be given to married couples who desire a baby; a prayer will be offered for families who have lost a pregnancy, infant, baby or child.

What: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Mass

When: Oct. 26, 2014, at 11 a.m.

Where: Cathedral of the Most Blessed Sacrament, 9844 Woodward Ave., Detroit, MI, 48202

RSVP/More information: Email [email protected] or call (313) 355-4637

Please tell: 1) If you would like a blessing for desiring a pregnancy; 2) The name of the baby, infant or child who passed away