Paul StuligrossA wise person once said: “A man can consider himself blessed … if he has at least one good friend.” I must be pretty blessed because I have more than one. Like many, though, there were times in my life I wrestled with trying to figure out who those friends truly were — and to do that, I needed to find myself.
I’ve seen this before with students, and my own daughters. There’s a proverbial pecking order in life that forces us to position ourselves within our peer groups. It’s a human thing. Unfortunately, all too often it takes an exhausting amount of energy to “fit in” with certain people. I’m getting too old to play that game. I only wish I’d realized that at a younger age. I broached this subject once before in a previous column when I quoted psychology professor Joseph Allen, who wrote that too much desire for popularity leads to a “dead end.” He goes on to say that kids who become “social strivers often end up far worse in adulthood than their ‘less cool’ friends.” The lesson here: If it takes too much effort to be accepted by someone, maybe they aren’t worth the effort to begin with.
So what does this have to do with the first commandment? Well, the fact is we often thwart our image of God by comparing Him with what we’ve known from our human relationships. The first thing necessary in loving God is to believe that He’s actually lovable. How many of us actually see Him that way? Often we see God as easily annoyed or put off by us, always waiting to punish us for our next sin. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Why, then, do His commandments sound so harsh? Do you ever read an email that sounds harsher than it’s meant to? Ever find yourself typing smiley faces at the end of your emails so you don’t sound too mean? I think there’s a connection here. But I wonder if how we perceive other people’s messages says as much about us as the one sending it.
I asked my students once if teens are ever guilty of idolatry. Without hesitation they answered “yes.” They said lots of teens are guilty of worshiping the false gods of Hollywood and media magazines that constantly try to mold them into a false, secular idea of perfection. I asked how that makes kids feel. They came up with three words: inadequate, sad and depressed.
Maybe that speaks to the heart of that commandment. Perhaps God’s not saying, “Don’t have other gods or I’ll punish you.” Perhaps He’s saying, “Don’t have other gods … or they’ll punish you.” We humans are made for love. But we are adept at finding it in the wrong places, with the wrong friends, praising the wrong gods. Often, we spend so much time jostling for position to attain accolades that we miss the accolades that are most present, given us by the ones who truly love us.
We all experience the trials of life. I muddle through mine wishing I was better at handling some of them. More than once I’ve walked out of a confessional and felt like I needed to go back for the same darn thing … minutes later. You’ve got to be kidding me? I couldn’t even wait a day to be that impatient again? What makes the saints so great is that they’re constantly thanking God for not being worse rather than convicting themselves for not being better. That kind of confidence comes from only one thing: knowing God as He is, not as we confuse Him to be.
At the heart of our close friends is our best interest. Why should we believe anything less about the heart of God? If we can be so willing to give “life” to our own children, why is it so hard for us to believe that God has anything less than our best interest in mind — or that His commandments are less than divinely rooted in that same goal?
God accepts us as we are, but loves us too much to keep us that way. Maybe that’s what’s at the heart of His laws. I hope I can remember that the next time I read them — and teach my kids to do the same.
Paul Stuligross teaches theology at Livonia Ladywood High School and is a former police officer.
